An Open Letter to my College Crushes...

To the ones I loved from afar... (in chronological order)

A - From the moment I saw you that first semester in English Lit., I knew you would be my first "real" boyfriend. And you were. In my head. For about 2 whole years.

I signed up for just about every class you took & club you joined, and stayed up late studying random facts about the city you were from so I could drop them into my pre-rehearsed made-up stories in case we ever spoke. Then, one day, you offered me a piece of your cookie during lecture, and my whole world exploded. From that day on, I was your delusional doormat. Whatever you wanted, whenever. You dragged my feelings through the dirt & back again about 100 times a week. When the night was done & you hadn't managed to pull someone new, you texted me. When I got over you just a little bit & did my own thing, you'd call me & and talk to me for ours, just to reel me back in.

But even though I spent my nights sobbing alone in my bathtub over you, hating myself for falling for your crap every single time - that's ok, now. Because the truth is, you we're the best lesson I've ever had. Hurtful, and manipulative yes, but no regrets. I learned more from being walked on by you, than I probably ever would have was I beside you.

You may not know this, but you were my first. Actually, scratch that I bet you were very aware of that fact when time came to it all. (Homg, so embarassinnng.) Anyway, just so you know, THAT'S why I was so crazy about you. As in, literally, full blown bat-shit crazy.

A (#2) - I nearly fainted the first time you smiled at me, and almost barfed of excitement when you - not seriously, as I later realized - asked me to be your valentine. The best flirt I've ever met, your confidence was spell binding. Thanfully I realized your game quick enough (thanks to first "A"), and avoided what was sure to be a second disaster. 

... But I still watched you, when you weren't looking. And stalked you online sometimes.

T - You know, I don't remember how we met actually. Probably at a party. But my memories of you are fond, for the most part. Yes there were times you lead me on, blew me off, and blatantly ignored me, but at the same time, I was confused & unsure about how to play by the "rules", and made some classic college dating mistakes that probably made you really uncomfortable in hindsight. The fact that you were always gracious enough to at least fake caring about my feelings makes up for all that.

While our dating - not that you can really call it that - was short lived, and sometimes awkward, it was also fun. You always made me smile, and we actually talked about real things. I think my feelings for you were deeper than our circumstances, in that I actually liked you for your person more than anything else. I knew we were nothing. And even though it frustrated me at times and made me emotional, deep down I was actually ok with that. Plus, when I finally put things together & realized just how "friendly" you were with girls (all of them it seemed) - I was more than happy to take a step back.

I don't know if you ended up finding what you were looking for in the end, relationship wise, but I hope so.

Trini dude with the dreads - You were my trini Harry Styles. Your accent made me want to squeel. I would have found Jah, and lived naked with you in some hippie island shack forever, if given the chance. Too bad we never actually spoke at that one party I saw you at.

H - I don't understand what happened here, but I know it all ended too soon. We had a great chemistry, great sex and so many laughs. But I couldn't read you, I couldn't tell if you were actually serious about us or not. I couldn't tell if you were serious about anything, really.  I know you had feelings for me, but then weeks would go by between our hang-outs. So when I told you I met someone else and you said I broke your heart, it didn't really register.

Maybe I was already jaded by this point, from the others, & just figured you couldn't possibly actually want something more. I dunno... it kinda makes me sad. 

Anyway, never having really started, we ended just as vaguely. My only regret is not asking you to be more clear about what you wanted, because I'm pretty sure that of all the guys I met in those 4 years, you were the only one that actually cared.

M - I met you at a time when I was feeling very young & wild & free. In the midst of my own sexual revolution, your blatant rejection taught me that I wasn't, in fact, as "hot" I seemed to think I was. Thanks for the lesson in humility. (...jerk)

J - I never knew you, but I knew people who knew you. Your body is the stuff dreams are made of. And your smile soaked my panties. God bless you.

Library guy - My quiet, intellectual crush. We eye f*cked pretty hard a few times in the library, and it's stayed with me ever since. I've often thought of what could have been with you. I feel like you were different from the rest of the college boys. That maybe you saw me for more than what I saw myself. While not my typical "type" at the time, there was just something about you...

And I know the feeling was mutual because you always asked me for a pen, even though you had one tucked behind your ear. (Also, your ginger friend told me so one night when he was trying to pick me up at a party.)

I would be totally be open to meeting you again now, where ever you are. (just putting it out there)

Library guy's adorable ginger friend - Adorably dorky, your openness was refreshing amidst the sea of what seemed like guarded, tight lipped jocks, players & dude bros. Until you, I had never been asked out as up-front & confidently. You made me feel awesome that night.

N - My New Yorker. That summer in between semesters, you brought out a side of me that had not yet been explored, and it was amazing. No strings, no questions, no commitment. You made me feel like a woman, at a time when I was very much feeling like a little girl.